When I thought
Or when my mind was thinking
That every single living
Human being was immortal
And perishing because
Of my sin my grievous sin
My most heinous grievous sin
Like teaching the Beat Generation
Instead of coherent thesis statements
And not correctly patrolling
The Russian computer hacking
In the back of my empty classrooms
I never could remotely imagine
That the worst loss was still to come
That my hallucinating your suicide
Would come to pass within a year
Of the fever breaking or that
We would come to know each other’s flesh
In the meantime all that I ever wanted
I wanted to return to the spirit of your flesh
To turn in bed and find my face
Kissing your neck your ear until
All our clothes displaced we came
Together but flaccid and exhausted
We retired to the porch to smoke
And I told you I loved you in your ear
And you said you hardly know me
But I knew that I loved the you
I didn’t know you fast asleep in the bathroom
Maybe dead only a few weeks later
And you were dead and my insides
Turned inside out all the paranoia
Of six months on seroquel and fear
And apocalyptic doubts redoubled their efforts
To pull me away from the love I knew in you
That I knew you imparted your daughter
That I knew outlives us in death
When I placed the dirt on your grave
I knew I would see you again
And now every day I do again in different ways
Just that love continues on and on
Though you cannot could not hear me say it
I love you and will to the end of time
Which happened so many times
Only I wish I could have prevented it
Happening in you I love you Rachel I do
And god loves you too god loves you I love you
I love you Rachel I love you I love you
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