When I thought
Or when my mind was thinking 
That every single living
Human being was immortal 
And perishing because 
Of my sin my grievous sin
My most heinous grievous sin
Like teaching the Beat Generation
Instead of coherent thesis statements
And not correctly patrolling 
The Russian computer hacking
In the back of my empty classrooms 
I never could remotely imagine 
That the worst loss was still to come
That my hallucinating your suicide 
Would come to pass within a year 
Of the fever breaking or that 
We would come to know each other’s flesh
In the meantime all that I ever wanted 
I wanted to return to the spirit of your flesh 
To turn in bed and find my face 
Kissing your neck your ear until 
All our clothes displaced we came 
Together but flaccid and exhausted 
We retired to the porch to smoke 
And I told you I loved you in your ear 
And you said you hardly know me 
But I knew that I loved the you 
I didn’t know you fast asleep in the bathroom 
Maybe dead only a few weeks later 
And you were dead and my insides 
Turned inside out all the paranoia 
Of six months on seroquel and fear 
And apocalyptic doubts redoubled their efforts 
To pull me away from the love I knew in you 
That I knew you imparted your daughter 
That I knew outlives us in death 
When I placed the dirt on your grave 
I knew I would see you again 
And now every day I do again in different ways 
Just that love continues on and on 
Though you cannot could not hear me say it 
I love you and will to the end of time 
Which happened so many times 
Only I wish I could have prevented it
Happening in you I love you Rachel I do 
And god loves you too god loves you I love you
I love you Rachel I love you I love you