When I thought Or when my mind was thinking That every single living Human being was immortal And perishing because Of my sin my grievous sin My most heinous grievous sin Like teaching the Beat Generation Instead of coherent thesis statements And not correctly patrolling The Russian computer hacking In the back of my empty classrooms I never could remotely imagine That the worst loss was still to come That my hallucinating your suicide Would come to pass within a year Of the fever breaking or that We would come to know each other’s flesh In the meantime all that I ever wanted I wanted to return to the spirit of your flesh To turn in bed and find my face Kissing your neck your ear until All our clothes displaced we came Together but flaccid and exhausted We retired to the porch to smoke And I told you I loved you in your ear And you said you hardly know me But I knew that I loved the you I didn’t know you fast asleep in the bathroom Maybe dead only a few weeks later And you were dead and my insides Turned inside out all the paranoia Of six months on seroquel and fear And apocalyptic doubts redoubled their efforts To pull me away from the love I knew in you That I knew you imparted your daughter That I knew outlives us in death When I placed the dirt on your grave I knew I would see you again And now every day I do again in different ways Just that love continues on and on Though you cannot could not hear me say it I love you and will to the end of time Which happened so many times Only I wish I could have prevented it Happening in you I love you Rachel I do And god loves you too god loves you I love you I love you Rachel I love you I love you
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